WWE ELIMINATION CHAMBER 2012: THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE FUGLY

By Justin Henry

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Here, in order, is a list of the most important occurrences at WWE Elimination Chamber from worst to best, as judged by me. The numbers preceding each block of entries is the score given to that particular moment (Zero sucks, a four is mediocre, seven is good, ten is excellent, etc.)

0.0

-The fact that much of the Kane/Cena build-up has involved Zack Ryder (who once got over with the crowd with barely any help from WWE’s writing, hence the internal jealousy) being senselessly mauled from week to week. Then Cena kisses the girl he loves, and said girl isn’t attracted to Ryder. On the flip side, WWE could make a killing with a "Many Deaths of Zack Ryder" t-shirt, like South Park did with Kenny back in 1998. You can have Ryder through the stage, Ryder off the loading dock, Ryder in the flying wheelchair…..

-John Cena and Kane closing the show, on a show called “Elimination Chamber” *blink blink* Why not just rename the PPV “Ambulance Anarchy” or something? It can’t be any more ridiculous than ENDING THE SHOW WITH AN AMBULANCE SURROUNDING AN AWFUL FEUD!

-The Natalya “cut the cheese” segment. Whoever thought of that, please commit suicide. Here’s some cyanide.

1.0

-The Cena training video, which would be fine on Raw, but not on a show that people spend $45 on. Because of this, that’s less time on TV for the Divas and guys like Alex Riley. The saving grace keeping it from being a 0.0 was Seth Rollins (ROH’s Tyler Black) showing up. Well, he DOES deserve TV time more than Alex Riley….

-The sad fact that the ambulance for the Cena/Kane match did not have its own entrance music. The Elimination Chamber gets “bumbumbumbum”, and the barber’s chair at WM23 had a song. Doesn’t the ambulance warrant some kind of siren-based dubstep or something?

2.0

-The WWE Championship: fought over by the greats and legends for 49 years…..being defended in the opener of a second-tier PPV.

-Santino Marella’s training segments, in the vein of Rocky. He’s main eventing, so let’s remind everyone what a goof he is! The only funny part was Marella “tromboning” on the stairwell run.

-The crowd chanting “SANTINO” in the Chamber match. Whatever helps them sleep at night, I guess. I know losing Prince Fielder to Detroit was tough…..

-The US Title being treated as an afterthought, as we were given an impromptu match at 10:06 PM EST. Treating the title as filler means the fans will just view it as filler.

-Lawler’s futile attempt to decry the Cena haters by saying, “Let’s see those haters lift those weights like Cena does!” I take it WWE’s fearing a low buyrate for a yearlong-hyped Cena-Rock match, and are in full blitz mode to get Cena over as a hero. I mean, moreso than usual.

-WWE promising that Kane and Cena would be a hellacious battle of good and evil, and that the carnage would be OFF THE CHARTS. And we get…..Kane pushing Cena in a wheelchair after suffocating him with a glove. OFF THE CHARTS. HIDE THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN.

3.0

-WWE giving me faint hope for Eugene’s return by playing his music….only to have it be background music for Santino Marella’s egg-drinking session. I’d say WWE “blue-balled” me, but that just sounds nasty.

-While the segment with Del Rio, Henry, and Laurinaitis campaigning to have Teddy Long fired as GM of Smackdown (where have I seen this before….) is okay as a plot device, it’s more suited for Raw or Smackdown, and not a show that’s draining the wallet.

4.0

-The disturbing juxtaposition of watching D-Bry go “YES! YES!” and imagining AJ beneath him when he does that. But if he’s a vegan, wouldn’t that forbid him from taking AJ and….oh, never mind.

-The crowd chanting “BORING” during the first four minutes of the Smackdown Chamber match. I’d say it’s disrespectful, but maybe WWE will learn to build their midcarders better, instead of burying them with extended losing streaks, and using them as fodder for Cena and Orton.

-Great Khali’s one minute cameo. You couldn’t squeeze Jack Swagger in there or something? At least Khali didn’t embarrass himself like he usually does when he has to last two or more minutes.

-Jack Swagger and Justin Gabriel was a decent, Superstars-style match. Just wish it wasn’t presented as a time-killing afterthought.

5.0

-A decent Divas’ match with Beth Phoenix retaining over Tamina Snuka. They actually had seven or eight minutes to wrestle, too. Made me think it was TNA for a second. Tamina looked decent for a change.

-The disturbing idea that Justin Gabriel and Jack Swagger walk around catering in their tights on shows in which they’re not booked. To be fair, Dennis Stamp does the same thing.

-Cena vs. Kane was better than last month. A decent

6.0

-Punk and Kingston keeping the famous jackknife pin/bridge-out counter alive. Sting and Ric Flair are smiling somewhere. Well, Flair’s smiling because he found 39 cents in his pocket that he didn’t know he had.

-Beth Phoenix’s little nod to Rowdy Roddy Piper with a “kilt belt”, since her opponent is Jimmy Snuka’s daughter.

-Daniel Bryan being excited about starting the Smackdown Chamber inside the pod. His excitability is contagious. Hey, I just noticed that my Pepsi is ice cold! YES! YES! YES! YES!

-Bryan and Barrett fighting it out, bringing back memories of the Nexus split.

-Okay, fine, the Attitude Adjustment off the ambulance looked pretty nifty, even if Kane had a gimmicked landing. Still doesn’t make up for the awful feud.

7.0

-Props to WWE for taking Randy Orton out of the Smackdown Chamber with his legit concussion. It could have been easy for WWE to not report the injury, and keep him in there as the match’s biggest star. However, with the motivation to make sure he’s healthy for WrestleMania, plus the controversy surrounding concussions, they have their priorities straight. Also, good on WWE for not running a bait-and-switch, and booking Orton for the show anyway, only to pull him after the PPV has begun. They probably missed out on some buys from young Orton fans, but they did the right thing.

-The clever booking of eliminating Chris Jericho via KO, which gives him an out for demanding a rematch for WrestleMania. Plus, it gives Punk a longer reign, and we could use one of those for a change.

-The fun sequence of Barrett and Rhodes eliminating Show, to the crowd’s dismay, and then Marella cradling Rhodes for an elimination. Maybe I’m crazy, but Marella, based on the sympathetic reaction, could parlay this underdog gimmick into a serious push. Hey, at least the fans buy into him.

8.0

-Punk mocking Miz with a “This is my serious face” pose. It’s those subtle moments….

-Dolph Ziggler doing pull-ups in his pod. Like I said, subtle moments….

-Punk and Kingston both trying a springboard dive at Ziggler, with both men missing and colliding in mid air. I like when the opening match at least tries to steal the show. Ups the energy of the crowd, and it energizes everyone that has to try and follow it.

-Rhodes and Barrett’s sick double suplex on Big Show on the steel mesh. Definitely woke the crowd up in the Chamber match.

-Cole to Lawler: “You’ve never dated anybody older than you!” Did I mention that Michael Cole has his moments?

-Booker T saving the main event from going off the rails by uttering, “JOHN CENA’S A TROJAN, DAWG.” Booker can save anything, from an awkward date to a drowning child.

9.0

-Ziggler doing elevated ab crunches while hanging off the Chamber, and then coming off with a fameasser on Punk.

-Kingston’s dive off the pod onto Miz and Punk.

-The return of Alberto Del Rio. I don’t care if half the locker room hates him, and he’s as arrogant as his uncle (which is likely impossible); Del Rio brings flair and pizzazz to whatever show he wrestles on. Hopefully, we’ll see him in Money in the Bank or something at WrestleMania.

-Oh, and Christian’s back! Good times!

-Big Show invading D-Bry’s pod before it was ever opened (via snapping the chains above), mauling the champ, and then launching him through the plexiglass. THAT definitely woke the crowd up. May have even saved the match, too.

10.0

-Kingston’s springboard Spiderman into the cell wall, before leaping off and DDTing Ziggler in mid-air. I assume WWE isn’t missing John Morrison any.

-Jericho using the LION TAMER to make Kingston submit. OLD SCHOOL.

-In fact, the entire Raw Chamber match was tremendous. Innovative moves, the hateful sequence between Jericho and Punk, Miz working hard to “unbury” himself, and the clever booking of Jericho to give him an “out” without him getting pinned. It’s a ****1/2 match, as far as I’m concerned.

-John Laurinaitis: “Ladies and gentleman….CAPTAIN CHARISMA! CHRISTIAN!!!!”, followed by him hugging Christian. I laughed. Then Otunga snapping the group photo of all those who want Teddy Long fired sealed the deal.

-The hot final sequence between Daniel Bryan and Santino Marella. Crowd was BUYING Marella for the upset, and Bryan (playing the cocky champ) gave him so many hope spots. As much as I was praying Bryan won, even I kinda wanted to see the crowd explode for a Marella win. PUSH MARELLA NOW! He’s the perfect underdog babyface!

-Sheamus and Daniel Bryan, WM27: forgotten dark match. Sheamus and Daniel Bryan, WM28: World Heavyweight Title match. Unreal.

(Justin Henry is a freelance writer whose interests are rooted in NFL, MLB, NBA, wrestling, MMA, and entertainment. He can be found on Twitter at https://twitter.com/cynicjrh and on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh so check him out)