ROBERT ROODE’S “PIPE BOMB” SPEECH by Justin Henry

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(SCENE: The Impact Zone, Orlando, FL. The beginning of the October 20 tapings kicks off with the usual pyrotechnics, as well as the token enthusiastic response from the freeloaders at Universal Studios. After Mike Tenay and Taz film the introduction to that particular set of tapings, “Take a Fall” by Dale Oliver blares over the sound system, bringing the fans to their collective feet. Out from the entrance ramp walks Robert Roode, who fell short in his World Title bid at Bound For Glory. With a thin smile, Roode nods his acknowledgement to the cheers while making his way toward the ring. Bedecked in a three-piece black suit, and with his trademark greasy hair slicked back in a ponytail, the Canadian superstar takes the microphone and waits for the reaction to die down.

Crowd: “BOBBY! BOBBY! BOBBY!”

RR (humbled): “Thank you, that’s….thank you. Thanks, everyone, it means a lot to me.”

(The crowd offers a smattering of applause as the chants fade, allowing Roode this forum in which to speak)

RR: “This past Sunday was the biggest match of my career, a shot at the TNA World Heavyweight Championship against Kurt Angle. I gave it my all, and I nearly had him beat. In fact, had the referee not seen my hand under the bottom rope, or even if had seen Angle grab the ropes for leverage, that match would have continued, and I might be champion here today.”

(The crowd applauds knowingly for Roode, as his statement holds much merit)

RR: “But I’m not here to make excuses. Kurt Angle is a wily veteran, not to mention the toughest man I have ever faced. He may have gotten the best of me on Sunday at Bound For Glory, but he knows what he had to do to win. That’s why I’d like to take this opportunity to challenge Angle for the championship in a little over three weeks at Turning Point, because I know I can beat him!”

(The crowd explodes with cheers, while Roode soaks in the adulation)

RR: “Do you people want to see me kick Kurt Angle’s ass at Turning Point and become TNA World Heavyweight Champion?”

(The crowd erupts with a resounding affirmative, nearly blowing the roof off of the Impact Zone)

RR (smirking): “You know something? I don’t believe you people one bit.”

(The crowd slowly dies off with an air of disbelief, not really understanding what Roode just said. He pauses a beat, while his smirk turns sour)

RR: “You see, I went on the internet after Sunday’s loss to read some of the feedback. After all, I take my craft very seriously, and I wanted to gauge what the fans thought of Kurt and I’s performance in the main event. I thought I put forth one of the strongest efforts of my career, and I was hoping to see all of the fans, the ones that have been kissing my ass these past several weeks, appreciate the effort Kurt and I gave them.”

(The crowd is partially silent, save for a couple of shouted phrases meant to support Roode, although he brushes them off rather easily)

RR: “Instead, all I found was a group of fans, a LARGE group of fans, that were pissed off because I lost. Apparently, they had invested their lives into my push into the World Title match, and felt cheated that I didn’t come through.”

(Roode loosens his tie, about ready to relieve some pent up frustration)

RR: “You know, pardon me for ripping you 1,100 fans in the Impact Zone a new one, since you paid so much for these tickets and, oh, that’s right, you all got in for free! And then you have the audacity to act like you have a right to put down our pay-per-view, one of our strongest efforts as a company, just because you didn’t like one finish. Oh, pardon me if Kurt and I busted our asses, not to mention Rob and Jerry and AJ and Chris and Brian and Austin and Ken and Bully Ray and Joe and Matt and Crimson busting their asses as well. Eight matches, only one of them featured the so-called “WCW fossils” that you hate, and one was a Women’s match. The other six featured fresh talents, good talents, and up-and-comers that all worked their asses off to make the show work and, in my opinion, we all succeeded!”

(Some fans clap for the statement, which only serves to annoy Roode further)

RR: “Oh no, don’t applaud me. Because you people were probably streaming the show online, or you didn’t even watch the show period and just read the results on some biased website that never gives TNA its due. TNA may not be perfect, but we don’t deserve to have dirt shoveled on us when we do things right. And for those of you swearing off TNA forever just because I lost a match, then goodbye, because you were never going to be a fan anyway.”

(The fans begin to boo while Roode collects his thoughts)

RR: “The people who mock TNA on a regular basis want us to fail. They don’t like Russo, or they don’t like Hogan, or they don’t like Bischoff, or Dixie, or whatever. Fine. But don’t wish TNA to die because that puts hard-working men and women out of a job, just so you can get your jollies laughing at a company’s demise on some message board with your other faceless, cowardly friends. In fact, I’d invite you to come to our shows, but then I remembered: you don’t go to TNA events, because TNA is dumb! You won’t go to the house shows because they’re dumb! You won’t go to the PPV’s because they’re dumb! Yet, you guys claim to have been so invested in my five-week run for the title, and are now blaming my loss for your sudden “lack of interest” in TNA. Well, here’s a question for ya….”

(Roode throws his tie down after fully loosening it, and then narrows his eyes at the fans)

RR: “If my run for the championship was so big that it could turn TNA around for the better, as some of you put it, then why didn’t the ratings for Impact reflect it? Because the highest rating for Impact during those five weeks was a 1.2, and that was week one. It dropped off from there; and that was after you were promised matches where I’d face my Fortune teammates! You know, AJ, James, Kaz, and Chris, the same wrestlers you all champion as being the necessary focus of TNA! Oh, but you’re too damn cool to watch, right? So when I fail, as the apparent ‘future of TNA’, to jump start the ratings and drive them to a new level, say, a 1.5 or 1.7, you honestly expect me to beat Kurt Angle, a proven headliner?”

(The fans remain silent as Roode flares his nostrils)

RR: “Well hey, the truth is, I was going to win, but things changed, and Kurt was given the victory instead. Maybe it had something to do with Hulk Hogan’s statement that I wasn’t ‘the guy’ that changed minds, who knows? Fact of the matter is, I ended up losing. I was mad, but then I realized something that is indisputable: those 2500 to 3000 fans that filled the Liacouras Center in Philadelphia on Sunday, they PAID for their tickets….and Hogan got four or five times the cheers that I got!”

(The fans shuffle in their seats while Roode makes his big point)

RR: “So yeah, the wrestling icon that gets ripped on the internet by the fans that don’t buy the shows, don’t buy the DVDs, don’t attend any events, and just mock the company without showing any intention to support TNA if it were to cater to their demands, he buries me, and you guys all lambast him for it…..and yet, the fans who will actually BUY the goddamn tickets treat him like royalty, while giving me a lukewarm reaction by comparison. And you wonder why TNA is the way it is: none of you sons of bitches will ever put your money where your mouth is!”

(Roode takes his jacket off and flings it in frustration)

RR: “Nobody bought Destination X, and that was a show that was supposed to revitalize the X Division! You know, that thing you guys wanted back so bad? They brought it back and spent three hours giving it life! And none of you bought it, because you’re all a bunch of ungrateful scumbags that deserve nothing! If you refused to buy that show, then why SHOULD Dixie pull the trigger on my push? The same fans that got excited for Destination X and didn’t buy it are the same fans that got excited for my push…..and probably didn’t buy Bound For Glory, either!”

(Roode collects himself and begins his final statement calmly)

RR: “As I said, TNA isn’t perfect, and everybody wants change. But I have a solution for change: stop listening to the fans that will never buy into us, no matter what concessions are made for them. If you don’t want a 58-year-old bald-headed divorcee as our next World Champion, or if you don’t want a convicted drug trafficker as our next World Champion, two guys who paying fans CHEER for, then join the paying crowd and outnumber those fans. CM Punk is outselling John Cena and getting a consistent push over in WWE, and that’s because his fans stood up to be counted. Don’t act like you care for me when you don’t invest the most important things in me: money and time. You want me to be champion? Watch Impact. Buy my shirt. But don’t sit on your hands, because you’ve done more to hurt this business than Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff could ever dream of.”

(Roode goes to leave the ring, but pauses before stepping out)

RR: “Oh, and before I forget, I’m facing Chris Daniels in the main event. Look at that, two guys you give verbal handjobs to. Those of you reading the spoilers, if our match doesn’t do a 1.5 rating, and you didn’t watch, don’t cry when Hardy gets the belt back. You have no one to blame but yourself.”

(Roode drops the mic and exits the ring to a stunned silence)

THIS COLUMN HAS BEEN WROTE YOUR ENTERTAINMENT ONLY. 

(Justin Henry is a freelance writer whose interests are rooted in NFL, MLB, NBA, wrestling, MMA, and entertainment. He can be found on Twitter at https://twitter.com/cynicjrh and on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh so check him out)