Column: THE BEST POST-MORTEM ON GUEST HOST BOREDOM

Posted By: Justin Henry on Nov 27, 2010

THE BEST POST-MORTEM ON GUEST HOST BOREDOM
By Justin Henry of WrestlingNewsSource.com

So, who else noticed that ‘guest hosts’ have all but disappeared from WWE Monday Night Raw?

As I write this, it has been almost four weeks since Pee Wee Herman, 1980’s comedy icon-turned-overly interactive ‘theater-goer’, awkwardly hosted Raw the day before Linda McMahon found out that, no, Connecticut would NOT be standing up for WWE.

I feel like the ‘guest host’ concept on Raw never got a proper eulogy.

I mean, as we speak, the concept is lying in an open casket with Linda’s Senate hopes, “Stand Up for WWE”, as well as any other ham-fisted attempt made by those wacky McMahons to assimilate themselves into ‘high society’, and away from us jackanapes who enjoy a good ‘rasslin’ match’.

Well, I’ve never recited a eulogy before, but since I use Old Spice Odor Blocker, and the commercials tell me that, with it, anything is possible, I’ll take a stab at memorializing the sixteen month lifespan of Monday Night Raw guest hosts, and put its place in history into proper perspective.

….

(I take my place at pulpit in front of numerous mourners, including a veiled Linda McMahon, a heartbroken Michael Cole, a disconsolate Stephanie McMahon-Levesque, and an openly-sobbing Vince McMahon, who’s mainly crying because Dick Ebersol, among other NBC Sports executives, savagely beat him outside and took his wallet, trying to recoup more “lost funds” from that wonderful experiment known as the XFL. After biting my lower lip, I gaze around the room, and I begin my prepared speech)

“I wanted to speak from the heart about what the guest hosts of Monday Night Raw meant to me, but I was told I would lose my push if I didn’t read from this script word for word.”

(Murmurs of laughter cascade through the sea of mourners, except from Stephanie, who doesn’t seem to understand why it sounds so ludicrous)

“The hosts came into my life in June of last year, and, at first, it seemed like a radical concept. Of course, Scientology is also a radical concept, and 93% of people think that both ideas are about as sensible as letting Mickey Rourke be your designated driver. However, being the same optimist who thought the ECW resurrection of 2006 would work, I decided to give these guests a chance.”

(In the back of the room, a previously-delighted Paul Heyman, who only attended the service to urinate on the gravesite, is suddenly paralyzed by tears)

“At first, this radical concept provided some interesting opportunities. Men like Batista hosted, as well as Ted Dibiase. The interesting Ted Dibiase, that is. Mixing wrestling personalities, both past and present, into the hosting queue could serve two purposes. One purpose was that a current wrestler could use or abuse his power in the storylines he’s most intertwined with, and provide some bankable twists that would keep the viewer’s interest. Or, in the case of a legend, the night could take the form of a nostalgia love-in. As the positive feedback of the recent “Old School Raw” showed, stars of yesteryear are welcome, as are classic concepts.”

(Sgt. Slaughter and Rowdy Roddy Piper nod proudly, and then take a moment to turn on their cell phone ringers. After all, they know that if Vince McMahon doesn’t bring them in for Raw this week, he probably will next week)

“But then the hosting choices seemed to be a little more….random. Soon, men like Seth Green and ZZ Top were hosting Raw. They’re known wrestling fans, so I guess that was ok. Shaquille O’Neal was next, and he at least GETS wrestling. Not only is he a fan, but he’s played both ‘loveable babyface’ and ‘bullying heel’ in the NBA, mastering both roles in post-game interviews, so he knows how to work the crowd. But from there….”

(I pause, and then take a deep breath. I almost can’t bring myself to say the next sentence)

“…..Jeremy Piven hosted. Yes, the same Jeremy Piven whom I enjoyed in PCU and Entourage. However, Jeremy seemed to either know nothing about WWE, or hadn’t watched since his beloved Mongols lost the WWWF Tag Team titles, because he went and called SummerSlam “SummerFest”.

(After letting that hang in the air, I glare at the sobbing McMahon)

“Now, it seemed to me that Piven, who had his vapid flick, “The Goods”, coming out in theaters shortly thereafter, was only there to promote a movie and then move on. Oh, and according to the dirt sheets, he also scored Kelly Kelly’s phone number and accompanied her to a baseball game, so not all was lost for Uncle Jeremy.”

(Kelly Kelly is seen looking sad amongst the mourners. She’s actually smiling cheerily, but, like an Irish Setter, she only has one facial expression, and it conveys a myriad of emotions)

“Largely over the next few weeks, people who wrestling fans, err, pardon my French, The WWE Universe didn’t care about were hosting. Cedric the Entertainer? He hasn’t been relevant since the original Barber Shop. Al Sharpton? When he wasn’t preaching his education reform thingie, he was being booed out of the building. Actually, he was being booed DURING his preaching. Dennis Miller? Hey, I love the warbling tones of the cranky pundit, and I’ve been a fan since he had nary a facial hair on Saturday Night Live, but him lobbing satirical grenades at a wrestling audience is like Burt Bacharach staging a leg of his comeback tour at the Sturgis rally.”

(The crowd seems confused by that last line, looking at each other for a clue)

“….sorry, Dennis wrote that one for me. Anywho, after giving us Bret Hart after the New Year in a truly momentous occasion, one that helped make wrestling headlines AND set the stage for Wrestlemania, things got silly. Now we got TRULY random hosts, such as Dule Hill and Mark Feuerstein, who both just happened to have shows on USA. I’m willing to bet that Bonnie Hammer tipped THOSE ones to you, eh Vinnie Mac?”

(Bonnie Hammer is shown in a veil, sunglasses, and surrounded by three body guards, lest any true fans of SyFy find her and attempt to beat her to death with a plastic replica lightsaber)

“If they weren’t relevant in years, people like Jon Lovitz, Buzz Aldrin, Cheech and Chong, and Jerry Springer, then they were plugging their upcoming movies, like the casts of The A-Team or Hot Tub Time Machine. By the way, it’s very telling when both movies had a starring quartet, yet one member of each failed to appear as a host. Either the appearance fees for Liam Neeson and John Cusack are out of Vince’s price range, or they just wouldn’t be caught dead helping Hornswoggle dance on Chavo Guerrero’s credibility corpse.”

(Jon Lovitz sheds a tear next to Paul Heyman, sad to discover that he, one of the co-stars of “Trapped in Paradise” is no longer relevant)

“It seems to me that only the Bret Hart show had any kind of true ramifications long-term for WWE. Episodes like the ones hosted by Shaq, Bob Barker, and Jesse Ventura may have been passable enough thanks to hosts who knew their role and performed the hell out of it, but for the most part, the other shows just turned Raw into some cheesy infomercial, plugging a TV show, or a movie, or some book, or trying to jump start somebody’s career.”

(I walk over to the casket, examine it with a look of pity and disgust, before turning back to the dearly gathered)

“There’s a lesson in all of this. I accepted the irony a long time ago that, while wrestling fans view the episodic TV shows like Raw and Smackdown, and even TNA Impact, as some kind of haven for potentially great wrestling matches, the truth is that the matches really are secondary, and I’m okay with that. The fact is that these shows ARE infomercials. They sell us heroes and villains, they sell conflict. Their true goal, however, is to sell us on the characters and the conflict by giving us enough of a taste, a free sample, in the hopes that we’ll plunk down $45 on the complete meal when it comes up a few Sundays from now. Raw and Smackdown are infomercials that sell us products like pay-per-views, as well as DVDs, video games, t-shirts, action figures, and overpriced glowsticks with the letters “DX” on them. And that’s fine”

(I then glare down to Vince McMahon in the front row)

“But when the characters and the conflict who are supposed to be the selling points, when they have to take a backseat to some USA television actor or a semi-obscure athlete or freaking JEREMY PIVEN, then you’re telling us that getting a blurb on Access Hollywood or SportsCenter is more important than conducting business with your loyal fanbase. Judging by the buyrates in 2010 for the pay-per-views, it doesn’t seem like you got the Perez Hiltons and Joe Jockstraps of the world to plunk down $45 a month, now does it?”

(After giving Vince McMahon the same dirty look that his daughter gave him when Vince suggested the ‘incest angle’ in 2006, I direct my eyes back to the audience on hand)

“For as much crap as wrestling fans dish out on message boards, we are, at heart, wrestling fans. We’ll believe most lies. We’ll believe that Undertaker has supernatural powers. We’ll believe that a 60 year old like Ric Flair can still match holds with men half his age. We’ll believe that Triple H’s sloping forehead and exploding knees are simply the result of three hours a day on the Nautilus machine. Wrestling follows its own rules, and I’ve accepted that for twenty-one years, when I first believed that Ultimate Warrior shaking the ropes like an epileptic Cherokee Indian somehow made him stronger.”

(I pause a beat before finishing)

“But we will not believe that all of these celebrities, C-level ones at that, are coming in with any intentions of helping the product that we wish to enjoy. The true wrestling fans want to watch for WWE, period. With the election over, let’s get back to what WWE is supposed to be: a pair of two-hour infomercials, one on Monday and one on Friday, that take place in each week. If you want your large fanbase back, give us programming that’ll make us want to buy SummerSlam. Because none of us have any idea what the hell “SummerFest” is.”

(I walk over to the casket and close the lid, hopefully forever)