Column: The Most Realistic WWE Video Game Ever!

Posted By: Justin Henry on Oct 25, 2010

The Most Realistic WWE Video Game Ever!
By Justin Henry of WrestlingNewsSource.com

So this Tuesday, WWE’s latest Smackdown vs. Raw offering drops in stores across the United States.

I’m as excited as anyone, because even though I give WWE enough potshots to sustain Rob Van Dam for a lifetime, the company often excels in eras that don’t require ‘wrestling people’ to micromanage, and their video game is one of them (ignoring the Legends of Wrestlemania abomination).

Though I have to lament that as years have gone by, sadly, the game has become less arcade-like and more “realistic”.

Gamers, hear me out. Remember the early Smackdown games with the simplistic Royal Rumble matches, the blaring techno-rock music in the background during matches, the hardcore matches where you could Irish Whip someone into a wall in the locker room and random weapons would fall out for you to bash their brains in with?

Good times, man.

I feel this is something truly lacking in modern wrestling games. It used to be that you and three buddies set that four-player adapter up and played Royal Rumbles and tornado hardcore matches until 3 AM while hyped up on Pepsi and Sour Patch Kids.

You more illicit folks can substitute my food stuffs with your drug of choice, it’s all the same.

But nowadays, the hard-edged music has two unfortunate replacements: ‘mainstream’ tracks on the title screen, and robotic commentary during the matches that puts you in comas that are usually only caused by the current Ted Dibiase attempting to convey emotion in his promos.

It just seems that since I’ve gotten older, the paradox of innocent mayhem that the Smackdown games provided has given way to attempts to make WWE into an overly-real sports style game.

It feels like someone at WWE sent a memo to THQ that said “Make this like the wrestling version of Madden NFL”.

But I guess that since the toothpaste is out of the tube and there’s no getting it back in there, that it’s time to go ahead and make the game as completely real as possible.

And this gives me an idea.

See, one thing many fans love about these games is “season mode”, where you can create your own wrestler (usually a pumped up version of yourself) and guide him through storylines, title matches, friendships, betrayals, blood feuds, and pay per view main events.

The idea of seeing our “avatar” in the WWE world, taking part of the regular storylines can be thrilling.

And this is why it has to go.

See, that’s not realistic, is it? No newcomer comes into WWE and just mows through the roster with win after win after win, do they?

I remember in one of the games during story mode, I won the hearts of Stacy Keibler, Torrie Wilson AND Trish Stratus.

Yeah, like they’re going to let some rookie get that kind of tail within his first six months. Even I did have some pretty spiffy looking tights.

What I’m proposing is the most realistic story mode ever, where you get to actually feel what it’s like to be on WWE’s payroll. It has to be a concept that accurately portrays the life of a would-be WWE Superstar, even to the most minute of details.

It would go like this.

-You create your wrestler however you wish. This part won’t change any. By the time you’re done with him, he either looks like a normal muscle-man in tights, a CHIKARA-esque weirdo (for you CHIKARA weirdos out there), or a green-flesh pimp with boxing gloves, sunglasses, a Viking helmet, and tiger skin pants (for those who smoke reefer while playing and just can’t help yourselves).

-After you customize every little facet of his appearance and persona, you then report to FCW for development training.

Then the fun begins.

Immediately, you are stripped of your awesome attire and are given “general tights”. Your haircut may change if two or more FCW barrel-scrapers have a similar ‘do. Your moveset will be diminished to 15 moves, and 8 of them are strikes. You’re allowed one “unique” move, which is WWE policy. After all, for every clone that has stumbled out of FCW, they HAVE to be unique in SOME way, right? I mean, if Drew McIntyre had shorter hair and didn’t do the Future Shock, how does he really stand out from Wade Barrett? Exactly.

That’s another thing: are you using your real name? Time to part with it. It’s imperative that WWE use their in-house “naming guide” to select your name. The general formula is “first name that isn’t in the top 50 most common + last name plucked out of NFL encyclopedia of history”.

So what’ll it be? Caleb Fouts? Parker Blanda? Drederick Irvin? Julius Elway?

Forget all that, kid. You’re going to be Joaquin Tarkenton.

Don’t ask questions, just put on these little black tights with the red design. The blue design belongs to your opponent, Spiro Dilfer.

-After you’ve been stripped of individuality like the novel 1984, you compete in FCW for the next two or three years while tweaking your gimmick here and there. You’re given “suggestions” after every five matches on a new taunt, new move, or new nickname.

And when they give you one you hate, good news: that’s when you get called up to the main roster!

With that new piece of unique, of course.

So, Joaquin, now that you’ve been called up, you’re faced with two paths.

Path 1: Go on NXT with seven other generic performers (Gilbert Hostettler, Federico Aikman, et al) and compete with your trainer in matches, as well as mini games like bull riding, obstacle courses, and other activities that serve no purpose in wrestling whatsoever. Also, your trainer assigned to you will be based on how many “indy-riffic” moves you chose during the initial creation process, so that you can be humiliated with someone who has no business mentoring you (you picked the vertebreaker AND shooting star leg drop? Have you met Vladimir Kozlov?).

Path 2: You’re given a series of vignettes on either show, playing up your new gimmick (ranging from “lame” to “promising”, even though you have to wear the same generic short trunks that everybody else wears now), so that you can debut as a somewhat familiar name sometime in six or seven weeks when the writers remember that you’re supposed to be on the show (“Hey, do we have room for this Joaquin guy after the Bella Twins grind up on Frankie Muniz?”).

-Alright, now you’ve made it, and you can begin the storyline process.

From here on, the game pretty much follows the same pattern as earlier Smackdown games, with a few notable exceptions.

For one thing, after you get three or four wins a row at any point, you immediately lose a match in under five minutes. This is done to “keep you humble”. After all, you haven’t drawn yet, kid. Gotta earn those stripes!

Another thing added is the “rite of passage” concept. Are you a face? Get ready to dance with Hornswoggle. Are you a heel? Here’s your new love interest, Vickie Guerrero. White meat babyface who loves what he does? Prepare to put over this 6’5” heel with no sense of timing that we just called up. A heel with promise? You’re going to annoy Teddy Long so that you have to face DA UNDATAKUH, PLAYA!

Also, the amount of embarrassing moments your character faces will correlate with what you put on your in-game Twitter account. Mention the words “TNA”, “Benoit”, “Savage” “Sammartino” “steroids”, “UFC”, “Lesnar”, “Zahorian”, “WWF”, and “I voted for Blumenthal”, and watch any chance of credibility and prominence fade like the Flagstuff sun.

And then there’s character turns. If you’re a heel, when you turn face, enjoy a totally random character trait that’ll make you likeable, allegedly (i.e. The Lance Storm Hung Like a Horse Theory).

And if you turn heel? Enjoy five months of wins and dominance before you get dropped by John Cena’s STF in under two minutes, as you’re now a pawn to Wade Barrett or Sheamus’ king. At least it pays well.

Maybe you’ll win belts, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have an angle, maybe you’ll get left off the pay per view, who cares? Finally, Smackdown vs. Raw will feature a realistic career mode that perfectly captures the life of a WWE superstar, and all of the apparent glory that comes with his vocation.

The only other thing that can be added to this game to make it more realistic is that if you become so inconsequential to the WWE that Human Resources decides to release your damaged goods character from the company, then the game disc will actually lock you out so that you can’t play again for 90 days.

It’s advisable that after those 90 days are up, you go out and buy that crappy new Lucha Libre game that’s hitting the market.

At least on that game, you can have your real name back.