THE IRISHMAN AND THE VEGAN

By Justin Henry

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“All men commend patience, although few are willing to practice it.”

-Thomas Kempis

The carnival barkers, movers, and shakers of World Wrestling Entertainment have taken back to the highway, loudly promoting the annual circus known as WrestleMania with gusto, and why not? In the barren world of decaying pay-per-view buyrates, lower TV ratings, and a general interest that pales considerably in the glow of Stone Cold Steve Austin’s heyday, WrestleMania is WWE’s biggest opportunity of the year to carve out revenue chunks with their bullish marketing machete.

Doing the heaviest cutting in 2012 are John Cena and The Rock, whose saga had the seeds planted a year ago in their intertwining tale of real life drama and scripted angst. In an unprecedented move, their headlining showdown was etched onto the WrestleMania XXVIII itinerary one year in advance, sustaining interest from the non-cynical portion of the audience.

Joining Cena and Rock in the quest to make this year’s WrestleMania a preposterously-profitable showcase are Triple H and The Undertaker, two time-tested holdovers from eras come and gone, who have vague intentions to write the final chapters of their respective memoirs inside Hell in a Cell. As for championship glory, look no further than the company’s golden boy-in-progress CM Punk, who has reigned as WWE Champion since Survivor Series in November. He will go move for move with Chris Jericho, his equally-respected doppelganger on both the microphone and on the canvas.

The six names mentioned have all had successful runs as WWE Champion, and will all one day, barring untimely demise, stand at the podium at the annual Hall of Fame ceremony, and accept their plaques while sharing career anecdotes and light-hearted yarns in front of their peers. All six men can be counted on to deliver in the clutch, be it with the elusive “five star match” that hardcore viewers yearn for, or that million-dollar speech that spellbinds the audience into a wide-eyed trance.

While there’s little doubt that those three matches will equate to shiny paydays all around, the only real concern is a lack of long-term potential. Undertaker and Helmsley are, in all likelihood, finished after this final encounter, as the former is irreparably broken down and the latter has the business side of the ‘family store’ to focus on. Both men are well into their forties, and have nothing more to gain or prove. Jericho’s likely out after WrestleMania, at least temporarily, while he and his rock and roll dream-come-true Fozzy will be touring. The Rock will return to Hollywood, win or lose, and won’t be seen again until the next marquee event that WWE needs to rent him for.

That leaves Cena, who, like a drunken party guest lying among a destroyed living room set, won’t be leaving anytime soon (not that that’s a criticism, Cena’s loyalty is a virtue), and Punk, whose honesty and guile have earned a longtime investment from WWE brass.

It’s because of this “eggs-in-one-basket” approach that I’m especially looking forward to Daniel Bryan’s World Heavyweight Title defense against the valorous Irish brawler known as Sheamus.

Any amateur wrestling historian will be happy to inform you that Bryan and Sheamus were bumped from WrestleMania one year ago. Their United States title match was scrapped for much more enlightening moments, namely The Rock’s fifteen minute monologue of crowd warm-ups, and Peewee Herman’s much-anticipated (by nobody) cameo. The match was relegated to the ignominy of “DVD bonus match”, and didn’t even have an ending. Instead, the match was converted into an aimless battle royal, won by The Great Khali.

Even before that match, Bryan and Sheamus weren’t exactly living in the penthouse of McMahon Tower. Bryan, who reigned as United States champion for six months, received nothing but endless ridicule on commentary from heel-slanted Michael Cole, mostly for his independent-wrestling pedigree, and his social status as a purported “virgin nerd.” Despite winning a number of undercard pay-per-view encounters over the likes of Ted Dibiase, The Miz, and Dolph Ziggler, Bryan was merely fodder, an affable side dish to whatever larger-than-life monsters Vince McMahon was championing at the time.

This isn’t including Bryan’s two month stint as an unemployed problem child in 2010, having been fired for choking ring announcer Justin Roberts with a necktie, an act that has become a no-no in the wake of Chris Benoit’s horrific final acts.

But while Bryan got some red-headed stepchild treatment, Sheamus, an actual red-head, took some psychological lumps of his own. Despite two reigns as WWE Champion, both times winning the gold from John Cena with cheapened circumstances,  the 6’6”, 275 pound ghostly brute was booked in less than savory fashion. During his feud with Triple H in the spring of 2010, Sheamus barely got a strong word in. During his second reign as champion that summer, Sheamus, who looks like a lily-white Incredible Hulk with red-as-a-carrot hair, ran away from The Nexus like a barroom bitch that didn’t like his odds in a possible street fight.

To top it all off, Sheamus won the King of the Ring tournament that fall, laying waste to John Morrison in the finale. As a reward for this achievement, the Dublin monster got to parade around on Raw in a robe, crown, and with a sword, looking like an auditioner for a middle school production of King Arthur.

In the same time period, WWE’s head production man Kevin Dunn is said to have openly ripped Sheamus for not coming across as tough on Raw, a story that was widely reported. The “King” gimmick was said to have been designed to make Sheamus look even more foolish, at Dunn’s request.

Ut this is all in the past. Bryan is no longer a forgotten cog in the Smackdown system, just as Sheamus is no longer a squandered bad ass. Now, Bryan plays the preachy villain who preys on the temper and stupidity of others, while Sheamus never backs down from a fight, and easily dispatches of opponents with renewed vigor. After the trials by fire of both Daniel Bryan and Sheamus, both men find themselves competing for the World Heavyweight Championship at WrestleMania. At ages 30 and 34, respectively, both figure to be long term attractions on the WWE stage, even if they’re not the main attraction this year.

Just one year ago, both men were pushed aside with seemingly no reservations. Now, the wily vegan and the fighting Irishman have a match that can’t be taken away from them, and a moment that will survive in WrestleMania’s vast chronology forever.

(Justin Henry is a freelance writer whose interests are rooted in NFL, MLB, NBA, wrestling, MMA, and entertainment. He can be found on Twitter at https://twitter.com/cynicjrh and on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh so check him out)