HOW THE SUPER BOWL IS JUST LIKE WWE

By Justin Henry

(All feedback for this article can be sent to its author, either on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh) or Twitter (https://www.twitter.com/cynicjrh)

In America, today is Super Bowl Sunday. The New England Patriots and the New York Giants clash in the forty-sixth annual battle for football supremacy, and much of the globe will have their eyes on the game. Advertisers break out their best commercials, world-renowned musical acts perform, people have parties to watch the game, often celebrating with copious amounts of food, salty snacks, and alcohol. It’s an American tradition celebrated every mid-winter.

Oh, and a game of football is played, too.

But, understandably, some of you non-Americans (or even Americans that don’t understand the game of football) don’t get all the ruckus. You may be saying “I don’t even care about football, what’s the big deal? It’s not as cool as WrestleMania or anything, is it?”

Truth be told, there are a LOT of similarities between the Super Bowl and World Wrestling Entertainment. And I’ve taken the liberty of teaching you fine readers the finer points of professional American football by pointing out an equivalent from the world of WWE. Consider this your primer to understanding the Super Bowl, through what you know about wrestling.

I hope you enjoy.

-As part of the Super Bowl coverage, 80% of the hype surrounds Peyton Manning, a legendary quarterback who is not only not playing in this year’s Super Bowl, but hasn’t played a single game this season.

-In WWE, you never stop hearing about The Rock, who almost never appears on camera, but will graciously send in a tape from time to time.

-In the Super Bowl, people groaned when they discovered the reinventively-parasitic Madonna would be singing at the halftime show, a milestone for any 77-year-old plastic attention whore.

-In WWE, fans typically have the same reaction whenever somebody brings up “Kid Rock” and “WrestleMania 25”.

-The Super Bowl will feature Victor Cruz, the Giants’ breakout wide receiver whose salsa dancing in the end zone has become a sensation.

-WWE features Brodus Clay, whose jiggly flab-based jives have become a sensation (but to whom, I’d rather not know).

-In the Super Bowl, the commercials are the focus, because advertisers have spent millions of dollars to secure a slot to advertise their wares, and have gone out of their way to put together memorable, often humorously over-the-top, adverts to promote the sales of said wares.

-In WWE, the commercials for the WWE Films’ DVD releases, the “Be a Star” campaign, and WWE’s “Did You Know” factoids, are the focus, because there’s nothing shameful about guilting your audience into giving you a pat on the back.

-In the Super Bowl, pregame coverage lasts about seven or eight hours on ESPN and The NFL Network.

-In WWE, that’s about how long it takes Triple H and The Undertaker to make their typical ring entrances.

-Super Bowl coverage features the high-pitched, anti-dulcet tones of Deion Sanders, a legend whose voice can strip the varnish off a foot locker.

-WWE has Booker T, who, in his defense, unlike Deion, never told TMZ that he was divorcing his wife…..before even telling his wife.

-In the Super Bowl, the Patriots players wear patches on their uniforms that read “MHK”, in honor of Myra H. Kraft, the wife of New England owner Bob Kraft, who passed away last year.

-In WWE, Rey Mysterio wore an armband that read “EG” for Eddie Guerrero, a storyline rival who allegedly fathered Rey’s son, Dominic. In fact, Rey wore the armband for what seemed like years, until hygienic reasons forced him to finally remove it. Legend has it that all of Rey’s injuries since them have stemmed from a gangrenous infection around that bicep. (At least Tom Brady didn’t drive Myra Kraft’s car into the stadium before every game to get sympathy cheers…..)

-In the Super Bowl, some fans will cheer any type of brutal hit, serious injury, or scary landing, because knowing that another human being is suffering brings them a kind of scrotal excitement that their warped mind simply cannot fathom.

-In WWE, those same fans hate the “PG” direction the company has taken, and will not be satisfied until The Miz is thrown off Hell in a Cell, and is decapitated when he crashes into the security railing. And when that happens, BREAK OUT THE LUBRIDERM.

-The Super Bowl almost didn’t happen, after a four-month lockout of the NFL Players Union jeopardized the season until a new collective bargaining agreement was reached this past July.

-WWE WrestleMania will always happen, because the “independent contractors” of WWE wield the bargaining power and abilities of comatose squirrels.

-In the Super Bowl, as long Mike Brown is alive, you can expect to never see the Cincinnati Bengals play there again.

-In WWE, as long as Vince McMahon is alive, you can expect to never see meaningful women’s wrestling again.

-The Super Bowl airs in America on NBC, which will use the widely-watched game to promote their upcoming block of TV shows, in the hopes of building an audience for February sweeps.

-WWE is hoping that if you spent $54.99 on WrestleMania, that you’ll also spend $44.99 in four weeks to watch Extreme Rules, and see four or five rematches take place.

-In the Super Bowl, one of the game’s big sponsors is Pepsi, an iconic soft drink that will be enjoyed by many sober folks during the festivities.

-WWE is not sponsored by Pepsi, which may explain why CM Punk always looks irritated.

-In the Super Bowl, each team has a “practice squad”, consisting of 7 or 8 players that are merely there to act as understudies and to supplement the bigger stars.

-WWE has Tyler Reks, Curt Hawkins, Trent Baretta, Tyson Kidd, and Johnny Curtis.

-In the Super Bowl, it’s fun to watch bright young up-and-comers get a shot at glory, like Rob Gronkowski, Jason Pierre-Paul, Aaron Hernandez, and Hakeem Nicks, with nothing stopping them but the capacity of their hearts and motors.

-In WWE, it’s fun to watch bright young up-and-comers get a shot at glory, like Dolph Ziggler, Zack Ryder, Cody Rhodes, and Wade Barrett, with nothing stopping them except on-the-fly booking and the apparent need to establish a pecking order with John Cena permanently affixed to the top.

-In the Super Bowl, it’s not unrealistic to see some aging, oft-injured, increasingly-useless player (say, Brandon Jacobs or Chad Ocho Cinco) end up getting released, and wind up playing out the string in Arena Football or some other B-Tier league.

-In WWE, if you personally consider Arena Football and TNA about the same, then you can argue that’s what happened to Matt Hardy.

-In the Super Bowl, the Giants have Osi Umenyiora, who is a gifted athlete, but allegedly possesses a fetish in which he enjoys defecating on ladyfriends.

-WWE has Randy Orton.

-The Super Bowl features Wes Welker, an oft-overlooked wide receiver for the Patriots whose “silent assassin” persona, wherein he puts up All-Pro caliber statistics year after year without the need to grandstand before the media, is widely respected.

-WWE features Kofi Kingston, a oft-overlooked midcarder whose incredible athleticism and dignified demeanor are widely respected.

-The Super Bowl will feature Eli Manning, the Giants’ skillful and diligent quarterback who’s also known for his droopy, almost catatonic facial expressions, leading some to think he may be an idiot savant that would be useless in any other walk of life.

-WWE boasts Jack Swagger, a skillful and diligent wrestler whose manic, toothy facial expressions are ideal for casting him in a remake of Deliverance.

-The Super Bowl has Tom Brady, an extraordinary leader who has won three Super Bowls, has been a statistical champion in many of his twelve seasons in the league, and is the envy of fans of rival teams, simply because the only reason they can hate him is because he constantly wins, usually at the expense of their favorite team.

-WWE, John Cena, blah blah blah (But in Brady’s defense, he dresses far better).

-In the Super Bowl, once the game is over, you look forward to the offseason, and seeing which free agents and draft picks your team acquires in an attempt to make a championship run next year.

-In WWE, once WrestleMania is over, you look forward to MLB baseball starting the next day, because even Orioles fans know that their team has a better chance at a World Series than they do of John Cena doing a clean job.

(Justin Henry is a freelance writer whose interests are rooted in NFL, MLB, NBA, wrestling, MMA, and entertainment. He can be found on Twitter at https://twitter.com/cynicjrh and on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh so check him out)